Just Another Day…

I woke up today. I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to sleep all day and not have to deal with reality. I just wanted to dream away in my dreamland. My dreams are always so happy. In reality, I feel like I’m just one big sack of depressed shit.

You see, during the rest of the year, I can deal with my depression. But, it rears its’ ugly head during the late fall and winter months because I have ‘seasonal affective disorder.’ I have to force myself to go out, to see my therapist, to see my shrink for medication. My depression isn’t so crippling that I can’t go out whatsoever, but it’s still lurking there. Sometimes, I can forget I am even depressed when I play my video games. I pretend I’m my character. She’s never sad. She goes about her video game duties and does it so happily. I guess that’s one good thing in my life. I can just forget my real depression when I delve into MMORPG’s.

I also have Kristy. I don’t know what I would do if I were alone.

I think my depression reared its’ ugly head when my parents lost the house and were forced to move to Mississippi. You see, I was living with my parents until 2013. I was 33 years old then. And yes, it does seem odd that a 33 year old lives with her parents. But, I’m a college student on disability. I cannot afford to live on my own for various reasons: my disability won’t even put a dent on apartment rent, won’t put food on my table after the rent is due. On top of that, I have to pay for transportation costs because I take public transportation. So, when you add rent, food, transportation costs, school bills; I virtually have nothing left. So, in essence, I was forced to live with my parents. However, I was content living there. I felt secure. I loved my old neighborhood. And then it all fell apart. My parents irresponsibility with money caused them to lose the very house I loved living in. At least they were secure in knowing that my brother had a spare house for them to live in in Mississippi. Kristy has an apartment, subsidized by the city. I live here illegally because I am not related to her. If the manager of the apartments found out I lived here, Kristy could risk becoming homeless. So, I have to pretend I don’t live here.

My life turned upside down when we lost the house. Kristy knows I’m depressed. But, she has no idea what it’s like to lose the things that once made you feel safe and secure. We also had seven cats there. Those precious little animals made life easier as well. I would come home from school, knowing they were there and I would love on them because they would make my world happier. This isn’t to say that Kristy never made me happy. She did make me happy then; she still makes me happy today. But, inside my head, I am a depressed wreck.

And I don’t know what to do anymore. I want a place to live in and feel like I did before. I made a Go Fund Me page, but I feel like an asshole even asking for money. *sigh*

Even if anyone sees this and would take pity on me, the Go Fund Me page is here: https://www.gofundme.com/finding-a-new-life-helping-people. Even if you don’t donate, it’s fine too. I don’t expect people to just fork over money to a stranger. But, if you do, please know that I am grateful for you. I am grateful, even if I don’t show it.

Truly Saddened

I am truly saddened, folks. Really, I am. The country, as a whole, decided to elect a man who is sexist, bigoted, misogynist, racist, and a whole slew of things I’m forgetting. As a woman, I am appalled at how many other women voted for him. After all the things he has said on tape about women, I am surprised and just.. appalled that these women could even think to vote for such a horrible individual. I understand not wanting to vote for Hillary, I understand. I didn’t want her as my president either. But, you had a 3rd choice. There was always a third choice. And yet, you women decided to throw away your morals and your dignity for a horrid monster of a human being. I am truly ashamed to be a woman. I am ashamed for the women who voted for him.

 

I am not a radical feminist, however, part of me is a simple feminist who was taken aback at his comments. To be able to do whatever he pleased, just because he could get away with it. How do you women justify that when you went to vote? How do you sleep at night?

 

I’m just disgusted at the human race right now.

Election Day

So, it’s Election Day. Thank fucking god. I am so goddamn tired of hearing all of these election ads. Whenever I watch television, every other commercial, was one of them goddamn stupid election ads. I was at the point where I wanted to pull my goddamn hair out. Ugh!

election-day-meme

Anyway, it’s also Nanwrimo month. I have been writing my ass off for that. I’m working on my second novel. And what are my novels about? Complete and utter bullshit, that’s what. I write them to be silly and stupid. And nothing else. =P

How is everyone else?

Thank god

My pain has gone for now, due to Neurontin. Thank fucking god. If it weren’t for Neurontin, I’d be sitting here in pain like usual. So, my plan is this: if the pain comes back, take another pill.

In other news, I think I’m getting back into posting and such. Yay for me!

Man, I remember I used to have a huge following. And then suddenly I stopped blogging for some odd reason. However, I do hope I write more regularly and gain more followers and such.

*hugs*

Pain, pain, pain, pain… Ugh

The past few days have been torture, torture, torture. I originally was on an antibiotic for an ear infection. A few days in, my lower back starts to kill me out of nowhere. And now? Oh, my god. I can’t even lay in bed without wanting to scream. I can barely sleep, I can barely do anything. Laying on my left side sort of relieves some of the pain, laying on my right side just intensifies it. Forget about laying on my back directly. I ordered a heating pad from Amazon, so we’ll see how that goes.

I can’t find any relief. I don’t even know why my lower back is flaring up. Is it because of the antibiotics? Is it because of PMS (and yeah, it’s that time of the month)? Both are known to cause lower back pain; either directly or indirectly. The pain is so intense that sometimes I just want to die rather than continue suffering in pain.

In other news, I can’t wait until this goddamn election is over and done with. I am so fucking goddamn tired of seeing all these political ads on television. I’m already determined whom I’m voting for, why do I need to be bombarded with political ads so close to election time? The more I see them, the more I want to throw my T.V. out the window. Perhaps it’s my pain that’s making me so goddamn agitated. Who knows?

What do you think?

It’s Vacation Time, Brotha™.

August 25th, I’m going down to South Carolina. For vacation. And I couldn’t be happier. It means taking a mental break from my parents (who drive me nuts) and just from Philly life altogether. I’ll be away for 10 days. My Greyhound ticket has already been paid for ($148, cheaper since I paid in advance). I’ve been saving up money all year for a vacation. And now, I’m happy to finally go somewhere, where I can relax.

Of course, I’ll be taking my digital camera with me, so I can take tons of pictures. Most of them will be shown on my blog and stuff. I can’t believe I’m actually going. I’ll also be bringing my laptop with me, so I can stay connected with my friends and my guild and junk. I’ll also be updating my blog at least once a day (hopefully, if I remember) with pictures.

In other news, school officially starts on September 7th. I’m taking 4 classes (english, math, psych 101, and behavioral health 101). I’m glad that I’m actually going back to school and getting my life in order. I just need a change of pace. After my 2 years, I plan on getting my state license so I can practice and I’m set to find me a job in the psych field. A friend of mine, Maria, already attends there. So, at least I’ll know someone to show me around the campus and junk.

The school also has a gymnasium that I plan on taking advantage of. I’ve been really considering getting into shape and shedding all this excess fat and blub. My ultimate goal is to get down to at least 130 lbs (which is a healthy weight for my height). Needless to say, I’m excited that I’m doing something good for myself. Finally. It took me this long to do it, but better late than never.

Wee Wee Doctor

I went to go see the gyno today. I have to say, the gynocologist is my least favorite doctor. Not because I have to get completely nude or I have to sit there with just a paper robe on, or any of that. The biggest reason why I hate going is because after she’s done digging for treasure in my hooha, she then sticks a finger in my ass. The reason being is that she checks for polyps. She doesn’t just stick the tip of her finger in. She sticks her whole finger in. The whole finger for Christ’s sake. I’m not a big fan of anal. In fact, I hate anal. It’s one of those unpleasant feelings. Like when you feel constipated. Thank god it’s only once a year.