Just Another Day…

I woke up today. I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to sleep all day and not have to deal with reality. I just wanted to dream away in my dreamland. My dreams are always so happy. In reality, I feel like I’m just one big sack of depressed shit.

You see, during the rest of the year, I can deal with my depression. But, it rears its’ ugly head during the late fall and winter months because I have ‘seasonal affective disorder.’ I have to force myself to go out, to see my therapist, to see my shrink for medication. My depression isn’t so crippling that I can’t go out whatsoever, but it’s still lurking there. Sometimes, I can forget I am even depressed when I play my video games. I pretend I’m my character. She’s never sad. She goes about her video game duties and does it so happily. I guess that’s one good thing in my life. I can just forget my real depression when I delve into MMORPG’s.

I also have Kristy. I don’t know what I would do if I were alone.

I think my depression reared its’ ugly head when my parents lost the house and were forced to move to Mississippi. You see, I was living with my parents until 2013. I was 33 years old then. And yes, it does seem odd that a 33 year old lives with her parents. But, I’m a college student on disability. I cannot afford to live on my own for various reasons: my disability won’t even put a dent on apartment rent, won’t put food on my table after the rent is due. On top of that, I have to pay for transportation costs because I take public transportation. So, when you add rent, food, transportation costs, school bills; I virtually have nothing left. So, in essence, I was forced to live with my parents. However, I was content living there. I felt secure. I loved my old neighborhood. And then it all fell apart. My parents irresponsibility with money caused them to lose the very house I loved living in. At least they were secure in knowing that my brother had a spare house for them to live in in Mississippi. Kristy has an apartment, subsidized by the city. I live here illegally because I am not related to her. If the manager of the apartments found out I lived here, Kristy could risk becoming homeless. So, I have to pretend I don’t live here.

My life turned upside down when we lost the house. Kristy knows I’m depressed. But, she has no idea what it’s like to lose the things that once made you feel safe and secure. We also had seven cats there. Those precious little animals made life easier as well. I would come home from school, knowing they were there and I would love on them because they would make my world happier. This isn’t to say that Kristy never made me happy. She did make me happy then; she still makes me happy today. But, inside my head, I am a depressed wreck.

And I don’t know what to do anymore. I want a place to live in and feel like I did before. I made a Go Fund Me page, but I feel like an asshole even asking for money. *sigh*

Even if anyone sees this and would take pity on me, the Go Fund Me page is here: https://www.gofundme.com/finding-a-new-life-helping-people. Even if you don’t donate, it’s fine too. I don’t expect people to just fork over money to a stranger. But, if you do, please know that I am grateful for you. I am grateful, even if I don’t show it.

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Worthless Bum

I recently found out that because of my loser father, we might lose the house. Because of his idiocy and money spending, my parents don’t have the fucking money to pay for the mortgage. So, next month.. I might be homeless because of that worthless piece of shit asshole loser bum of a father. And then he wonders why I hate the bastard. I don’t hate many people. I may dislike you, but not to the point of hating you. My “father” is one of those pricks that I do actually hate. He spends money on shit he doesn’t need, then blames Blake and I for not helping him. Well, gee asshole. If you didn’t spend money on crap you didn’t need, maybe you’d have money to pay for the fucking mortgage? If he doesn’t come up with the money soon, Blake and I are going to start selling his crap on Craig’s List and see if we can come up with the money. We already plan on selling his 2 big screen LCD tv’s, then he absolutely didn’t need. We’ll probably get about $500-750 each.

Piercing

I got a new piercing yesterday.

When my mom saw it, she started to yell. WHY DID YOU DO IT?!@? HOW MUCH DID IT COST?@! Oh well. It’s my fucking lip. It’s not like I’m 13 for Christ’s sake.

Gobble Wobble Said the Jive Turkey

Somehow, my father has it in his stupid head that I only hate my “brother” because he yelled at me when I was a kid. Not even remotely freaking close. Here’s a list of reasons why I hate my “brother”:

  • Asshole behavior
  • Superior mentality (thinking that he’s better than me, when in reality he’s not better than the corn in my shit)
  • Treated me like total dog shit when growing up (blamed everything on me, even if I didn’t do it; convinced my parents that I should be punished for things I’ve done when in fact my parents wouldn’t have cared in the first place; yelled at me/slapped me; etc. etc.)

I could go on, but you get my point. My friend Anthony said that I should do the “Christian” thing and forgive him. Yeah. Okay Mister. If someone has treated you like dog shit your whole life and you personally want to forgive them, that’s on you. There’s absolutely no reason why the parasite should receive my forgiveness. Not even if he begged for it and apologized.

It’s too late for apologies. Way too late.

On a side note, there’s only two things I’m thankful for this year.

My brother’s stock value plunging and Blake.

A Year Older

My Mom’s birthday was yesterday. Blake and I got her a birthday card and money. I never know what to get her. She always tells me that she doesn’t want anything. So, I end up giving her money. I didn’t know what else to get her.

Anyway, I finally upgraded to Windows XP. I actually like the fact that I can now run more programs (I was running Windows 2000). Yay. /sarcasm

Last night, there was a thunderstorm. It was pretty nice, sitting in my house.. playing on my computer.. listening to the thunder.. up until the point where a lightening strike hit and our power went out. Then 10 seconds later, it went back on. The sucky part is that I was playing Everquest 1. Thank god I wasn’t fighting a mob, or else I would have been pissed.

First of June

Ahh, first of June.  Summer is coming and I’m starting to hate the heat. Makes me wish I had a house in Canada, so I could escape this dreadful heat and humidity. My dad better turn on the AC and not be a “jew” this year. Blah. If it’s 85 out and the humidity is awful, my ass is turning it on. I don’t give a flying fuck what he says.

What I don’t get is that he’ll waste money on all kinds of useless crap, but he’ll complain about the central air being on. I don’t understand that. Maybe you’ll have more fucking money if you didn’t blow it on crap. Which is why I don’t understand why my Mom hasn’t cut his debit card yet.

*sigh*

My dad is a retard sometimes. Wait, I meant he’s a retard all the time.

Happy Memorial Day

How is everyone celebrating their day? I got to sleep in until 1:30PM. Then my parents came home with food from KFC. I only had one piece of chicken. I couldn’t eat anymore. It’s so ridiculously greasy. I feel like my arteries are going to collapse from clogging. I also had one biscuit, but that’s because KFC biscuits are so yummies. 😛

I wanted to have a BBQ, because hamburgers prepared on a charcoal grill is so yummy with those charred on carcinogens. But, in order to prepare the food to get cooked, it’s more trouble than it’s worth. Plus, it would only be my parents, Blake, and me. If we had a whole shit load of people here, it’d be different. We’d be grillin’ like a motherfucker. Oh well. Plus, for some odd reason, charcoal grills smell better than propane. *shrug*

Hope everyone has a great day.