Just Another Day…

I woke up today. I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to sleep all day and not have to deal with reality. I just wanted to dream away in my dreamland. My dreams are always so happy. In reality, I feel like I’m just one big sack of depressed shit.

You see, during the rest of the year, I can deal with my depression. But, it rears its’ ugly head during the late fall and winter months because I have ‘seasonal affective disorder.’ I have to force myself to go out, to see my therapist, to see my shrink for medication. My depression isn’t so crippling that I can’t go out whatsoever, but it’s still lurking there. Sometimes, I can forget I am even depressed when I play my video games. I pretend I’m my character. She’s never sad. She goes about her video game duties and does it so happily. I guess that’s one good thing in my life. I can just forget my real depression when I delve into MMORPG’s.

I also have Kristy. I don’t know what I would do if I were alone.

I think my depression reared its’ ugly head when my parents lost the house and were forced to move to Mississippi. You see, I was living with my parents until 2013. I was 33 years old then. And yes, it does seem odd that a 33 year old lives with her parents. But, I’m a college student on disability. I cannot afford to live on my own for various reasons: my disability won’t even put a dent on apartment rent, won’t put food on my table after the rent is due. On top of that, I have to pay for transportation costs because I take public transportation. So, when you add rent, food, transportation costs, school bills; I virtually have nothing left. So, in essence, I was forced to live with my parents. However, I was content living there. I felt secure. I loved my old neighborhood. And then it all fell apart. My parents irresponsibility with money caused them to lose the very house I loved living in. At least they were secure in knowing that my brother had a spare house for them to live in in Mississippi. Kristy has an apartment, subsidized by the city. I live here illegally because I am not related to her. If the manager of the apartments found out I lived here, Kristy could risk becoming homeless. So, I have to pretend I don’t live here.

My life turned upside down when we lost the house. Kristy knows I’m depressed. But, she has no idea what it’s like to lose the things that once made you feel safe and secure. We also had seven cats there. Those precious little animals made life easier as well. I would come home from school, knowing they were there and I would love on them because they would make my world happier. This isn’t to say that Kristy never made me happy. She did make me happy then; she still makes me happy today. But, inside my head, I am a depressed wreck.

And I don’t know what to do anymore. I want a place to live in and feel like I did before. I made a Go Fund Me page, but I feel like an asshole even asking for money. *sigh*

Even if anyone sees this and would take pity on me, the Go Fund Me page is here: https://www.gofundme.com/finding-a-new-life-helping-people. Even if you don’t donate, it’s fine too. I don’t expect people to just fork over money to a stranger. But, if you do, please know that I am grateful for you. I am grateful, even if I don’t show it.


Slept All Day


So, uh. I slept all day. Is that a bad thing? I think the biggest reason why I slept all damn day is because I didn’t want to deal with reality. I didn’t want to deal with what happened yesterday. I didn’t want to hear about what others though on Facebook, or the news on TV, etc. I wanted to zone out into sleepy land and just not deal. I guess I accomplished that by sleeping all day. And you know what? I don’t care if I did.

Granted, it’ll just be there when I wake up. It’ll be there tomorrow. It’ll still be there next week and next month. It’ll be there for the next 4 years. I can’t just sleep my way through it. I have other things to do and I can’t just sleep through it. I suppose I just wanted a day to myself to be selfish and just not care or give a fuck.

Election Day

So, it’s Election Day. Thank fucking god. I am so goddamn tired of hearing all of these election ads. Whenever I watch television, every other commercial, was one of them goddamn stupid election ads. I was at the point where I wanted to pull my goddamn hair out. Ugh!


Anyway, it’s also Nanwrimo month. I have been writing my ass off for that. I’m working on my second novel. And what are my novels about? Complete and utter bullshit, that’s what. I write them to be silly and stupid. And nothing else. =P

How is everyone else?

Thank god

My pain has gone for now, due to Neurontin. Thank fucking god. If it weren’t for Neurontin, I’d be sitting here in pain like usual. So, my plan is this: if the pain comes back, take another pill.

In other news, I think I’m getting back into posting and such. Yay for me!

Man, I remember I used to have a huge following. And then suddenly I stopped blogging for some odd reason. However, I do hope I write more regularly and gain more followers and such.


Pain, pain, pain, pain… Ugh

The past few days have been torture, torture, torture. I originally was on an antibiotic for an ear infection. A few days in, my lower back starts to kill me out of nowhere. And now? Oh, my god. I can’t even lay in bed without wanting to scream. I can barely sleep, I can barely do anything. Laying on my left side sort of relieves some of the pain, laying on my right side just intensifies it. Forget about laying on my back directly. I ordered a heating pad from Amazon, so we’ll see how that goes.

I can’t find any relief. I don’t even know why my lower back is flaring up. Is it because of the antibiotics? Is it because of PMS (and yeah, it’s that time of the month)? Both are known to cause lower back pain; either directly or indirectly. The pain is so intense that sometimes I just want to die rather than continue suffering in pain.

In other news, I can’t wait until this goddamn election is over and done with. I am so fucking goddamn tired of seeing all these political ads on television. I’m already determined whom I’m voting for, why do I need to be bombarded with political ads so close to election time? The more I see them, the more I want to throw my T.V. out the window. Perhaps it’s my pain that’s making me so goddamn agitated. Who knows?

What do you think?

Noisey Peoples!

So, ever since moving to this new neighborhood, I have heard nothing but people arguing outside of their houses. It’s entertaining and annoying at the same time. Entertaining in that I get to hear all kinds of juicy shit that goes on in their lives. It gets annoying when I’m trying to have a relaxing night trying to read a book or enjoy a TV show and some shmuck outside is doing nothing but arguing. C’mon people, get some fucking class. If you’re going to argue, take it inside. No one wants to hear your bullshit!

In other news, instead of heading to Drexel to finish out my bachelor degree in psychotherapy, I’m forced to go to Temple. Why? Because those pricks at Drexel want $54,000 a year (which, in order to get my bachelor’s, I have to do 2 more years, resulting in $108,000 in debts). Temple is $14,000 for 1 year. Drexel was my dream school. Better education, but unfortunately the price tag reflects it. When I found out that my financial aid wouldn’t cover the full cost, I was super pissed. *sigh* Oh well, life is full of disappointments. Might as well learn this now, then later.

Food Shopping Woes

So, I had went to this deli the other day. I head over to the cashier to ring up my food. The cashier, who appears to be a dunce and a half, is sitting there texting. Her first sentence out of that stupid mouth of hers is: “Hold on a second.” Excuse you, you stupid bitch. I’m a customer and my money contributes to your goddamn pay check!

Being the bitch that I am, I said to her, “Hey miss. How about you stop texting and start doing your damn job?” And I made sure to say this out loud in case her boss was in ear shot. This snapped her out of her stupor and she got back to her job.

This is one of my fucking pet peeves. You are not paid to sit there and text all day. You are there to ring up my food and bag it. I don’t give a flying fuck how boring your job is, you’re there to service me. You do not tell me to hold on while you’re texting your friends and your boyfriends. You shut up and do your goddamn job and if she even gave me an damn attitude, I would have went straight to her boss and made a bitch fest. I would not have left without making a scene. Yes, I am that bitchy. I do not stand there and be disrespected by some stupid girl cashier.