Thank god or meds

A few months ago, I was put onto Ativan. Before that, I was on klonopin, which wasn’t helping as much anymore. However, on Ativan, I can actually feel like myself again. When I’m at the computer, I can actually enjoy my usual hobbies of gaming again. Before Ativan, I used to sit at the computer and just stare at the monitor thinking, “Why am I even here? Why do I even game anymore?” Now, it’s like.. OMGOMGOMG, I LOVE GAMING! It’s amazing how much Ativan has fixed my life. I mean, yeah, it has a high potential of abuse, but I haven’t abused it. So, meh.

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Blah, I haven’t written

So, here I am. Not writing in 2 months. I don’t even know why I stopped writing. Lack of interest? Apathy? Depression? Who knows.

I do know one thing, though. I have found some happiness in making videos for YouTube. Now, before I go on, I want to put this out there: the videos I make aren’t “normal” videos. These are videos that I make while being silly, perverted, disgusting, etc. I do them to shock people. And in that, I find it funny. It makes me happy. I look like utter shit in these videos and yet guys will still tell me that I’m hot and beautiful. Which leads me to believe that guys will fuck anything, as long as there’s a hole in it.

Oh well. Anyway, I promise to write more often. I have so many thoughts in my head.

Just Another Day…

I woke up today. I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to sleep all day and not have to deal with reality. I just wanted to dream away in my dreamland. My dreams are always so happy. In reality, I feel like I’m just one big sack of depressed shit.

You see, during the rest of the year, I can deal with my depression. But, it rears its’ ugly head during the late fall and winter months because I have ‘seasonal affective disorder.’ I have to force myself to go out, to see my therapist, to see my shrink for medication. My depression isn’t so crippling that I can’t go out whatsoever, but it’s still lurking there. Sometimes, I can forget I am even depressed when I play my video games. I pretend I’m my character. She’s never sad. She goes about her video game duties and does it so happily. I guess that’s one good thing in my life. I can just forget my real depression when I delve into MMORPG’s.

I also have Kristy. I don’t know what I would do if I were alone.

I think my depression reared its’ ugly head when my parents lost the house and were forced to move to Mississippi. You see, I was living with my parents until 2013. I was 33 years old then. And yes, it does seem odd that a 33 year old lives with her parents. But, I’m a college student on disability. I cannot afford to live on my own for various reasons: my disability won’t even put a dent on apartment rent, won’t put food on my table after the rent is due. On top of that, I have to pay for transportation costs because I take public transportation. So, when you add rent, food, transportation costs, school bills; I virtually have nothing left. So, in essence, I was forced to live with my parents. However, I was content living there. I felt secure. I loved my old neighborhood. And then it all fell apart. My parents irresponsibility with money caused them to lose the very house I loved living in. At least they were secure in knowing that my brother had a spare house for them to live in in Mississippi. Kristy has an apartment, subsidized by the city. I live here illegally because I am not related to her. If the manager of the apartments found out I lived here, Kristy could risk becoming homeless. So, I have to pretend I don’t live here.

My life turned upside down when we lost the house. Kristy knows I’m depressed. But, she has no idea what it’s like to lose the things that once made you feel safe and secure. We also had seven cats there. Those precious little animals made life easier as well. I would come home from school, knowing they were there and I would love on them because they would make my world happier. This isn’t to say that Kristy never made me happy. She did make me happy then; she still makes me happy today. But, inside my head, I am a depressed wreck.

And I don’t know what to do anymore. I want a place to live in and feel like I did before. I made a Go Fund Me page, but I feel like an asshole even asking for money. *sigh*

Even if anyone sees this and would take pity on me, the Go Fund Me page is here: https://www.gofundme.com/finding-a-new-life-helping-people. Even if you don’t donate, it’s fine too. I don’t expect people to just fork over money to a stranger. But, if you do, please know that I am grateful for you. I am grateful, even if I don’t show it.

I can’t keep going on like this…

I can’t keep drudging on like nothing is ever wrong with me. I am sleeping more, and when I do wake, I am so tired and sleepy that chores feel like well, chores. I have to clean, do laundry, make sure that I have to stop over at the school for some stuff, etc. I just can’t muster up the energy to actually get up out of bed.

Now, there are two diagnoses that might fit in that:

The 1st is: I am depressed and cannot cope with my realities.

The 2nd is: I have an underlying health problem that causes such an energy drain.

The 3rd is: My overweight problem is what’s causing the zap in energy.

So, let’s break these down individually, shall we?

The depression angle: I’m at a point in my life where I am on the right medication for my medication. I do not physically nor mentally feel depressed. So, that rules out this angle.

The underlying health problem angle: I could have a plethora of things wrong with me, namely ‘Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.’ This in itself could explain everything. However, I have not researched enough to find if there’s any way to rectify that. There is also the sleep apnea problem. I have been tested for this and the test came back negative; so that is completely ruled out.

The overweight angle: Yes, I am overweight. Being overweight places an unnecessary drain on ones’ energy.

So, the only two things I am left with: Chronic fatigue syndrome and being overweight. However, here comes the kicker. I am so physically and mentally drained that I cannot even have the energy to motivate myself to start exercising. I have every intention to lose weight, I know it’s good for me. I want –no- I NEED to lose weight. However, when I try to prepare myself to actually exercise, I can’t even find enough energy to actually do it.

So, I have no idea. I want to do this. I need to do this. I am tired of feeling tired. I am tired of being energy depleted. I just want my old life back. I used to enjoy my life outside of the house. I used to go out every weekend to spend time with friends. I used to go to the movies all the time. I used to do lots of things I am too tired to these days.

Any suggestions?

Slept All Day

TiredMeme

So, uh. I slept all day. Is that a bad thing? I think the biggest reason why I slept all damn day is because I didn’t want to deal with reality. I didn’t want to deal with what happened yesterday. I didn’t want to hear about what others though on Facebook, or the news on TV, etc. I wanted to zone out into sleepy land and just not deal. I guess I accomplished that by sleeping all day. And you know what? I don’t care if I did.

Granted, it’ll just be there when I wake up. It’ll be there tomorrow. It’ll still be there next week and next month. It’ll be there for the next 4 years. I can’t just sleep my way through it. I have other things to do and I can’t just sleep through it. I suppose I just wanted a day to myself to be selfish and just not care or give a fuck.

Truly Saddened

I am truly saddened, folks. Really, I am. The country, as a whole, decided to elect a man who is sexist, bigoted, misogynist, racist, and a whole slew of things I’m forgetting. As a woman, I am appalled at how many other women voted for him. After all the things he has said on tape about women, I am surprised and just.. appalled that these women could even think to vote for such a horrible individual. I understand not wanting to vote for Hillary, I understand. I didn’t want her as my president either. But, you had a 3rd choice. There was always a third choice. And yet, you women decided to throw away your morals and your dignity for a horrid monster of a human being. I am truly ashamed to be a woman. I am ashamed for the women who voted for him.

 

I am not a radical feminist, however, part of me is a simple feminist who was taken aback at his comments. To be able to do whatever he pleased, just because he could get away with it. How do you women justify that when you went to vote? How do you sleep at night?

 

I’m just disgusted at the human race right now.

Election Day

So, it’s Election Day. Thank fucking god. I am so goddamn tired of hearing all of these election ads. Whenever I watch television, every other commercial, was one of them goddamn stupid election ads. I was at the point where I wanted to pull my goddamn hair out. Ugh!

election-day-meme

Anyway, it’s also Nanwrimo month. I have been writing my ass off for that. I’m working on my second novel. And what are my novels about? Complete and utter bullshit, that’s what. I write them to be silly and stupid. And nothing else. =P

How is everyone else?