I woke up today. I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to sleep all day and not have to deal with reality. I just wanted to dream away in my dreamland. My dreams are always so happy. In reality, I feel like I’m just one big sack of depressed shit.
You see, during the rest of the year, I can deal with my depression. But, it rears its’ ugly head during the late fall and winter months because I have ‘seasonal affective disorder.’ I have to force myself to go out, to see my therapist, to see my shrink for medication. My depression isn’t so crippling that I can’t go out whatsoever, but it’s still lurking there. Sometimes, I can forget I am even depressed when I play my video games. I pretend I’m my character. She’s never sad. She goes about her video game duties and does it so happily. I guess that’s one good thing in my life. I can just forget my real depression when I delve into MMORPG’s.
I also have Kristy. I don’t know what I would do if I were alone.
I think my depression reared its’ ugly head when my parents lost the house and were forced to move to Mississippi. You see, I was living with my parents until 2013. I was 33 years old then. And yes, it does seem odd that a 33 year old lives with her parents. But, I’m a college student on disability. I cannot afford to live on my own for various reasons: my disability won’t even put a dent on apartment rent, won’t put food on my table after the rent is due. On top of that, I have to pay for transportation costs because I take public transportation. So, when you add rent, food, transportation costs, school bills; I virtually have nothing left. So, in essence, I was forced to live with my parents. However, I was content living there. I felt secure. I loved my old neighborhood. And then it all fell apart. My parents irresponsibility with money caused them to lose the very house I loved living in. At least they were secure in knowing that my brother had a spare house for them to live in in Mississippi. Kristy has an apartment, subsidized by the city. I live here illegally because I am not related to her. If the manager of the apartments found out I lived here, Kristy could risk becoming homeless. So, I have to pretend I don’t live here.
My life turned upside down when we lost the house. Kristy knows I’m depressed. But, she has no idea what it’s like to lose the things that once made you feel safe and secure. We also had seven cats there. Those precious little animals made life easier as well. I would come home from school, knowing they were there and I would love on them because they would make my world happier. This isn’t to say that Kristy never made me happy. She did make me happy then; she still makes me happy today. But, inside my head, I am a depressed wreck.
And I don’t know what to do anymore. I want a place to live in and feel like I did before. I made a Go Fund Me page, but I feel like an asshole even asking for money. *sigh*
Even if anyone sees this and would take pity on me, the Go Fund Me page is here: https://www.gofundme.com/finding-a-new-life-helping-people. Even if you don’t donate, it’s fine too. I don’t expect people to just fork over money to a stranger. But, if you do, please know that I am grateful for you. I am grateful, even if I don’t show it.